My Life as a Ham

It started out great. We had a routine. I knew exactly what to expect and I loved it. And then winter ended. The things I could count on over the winter were the endless below freezing temps, Wayne Brady on Let’s Make a Deal, and my mom and dad always being home. Sure, my parents would leave the house here and there to pick me up some more food or to do who knows what else outside these walls, but they always came back home in a couple of hours. Spring finally showed up and now they leave all day. Sometimes my mom comes home for lunch, but it’s not a constant. It’s no where near as reliable as Wayne Brady. He is always there to make a deal. The weather is nicer and I should know because I spend most of the day staring out the window trying to see my parents or the odd squirrel.

They’ll be home anytime now…anytime…

I put the camera on a timer to take that jewel of a photo. Do you know how hard it is to set the timer on a camera without opposable thumbs? Me neither! That picture was a total setup because I’m a dog and I have no idea how to use a camera, fool! As I was saying before, Veda and I have rediscovered certain joys since we’ve been left home alone so frequently now. The king of the couch game, the let’s share the couch game, the let’s lick the couch game, the lose the ball under the couch game, and Texas Hold ’em. Basically, there are a lot of hours in the day and many games with which to fill those hours. It helps to be creative and it also helps to have a couch. The fun we’re having doesn’t make up for my parents being gone, but I guess I’ve noticed other changes in my parents that have been beneficial. They finally took off those smelly sweat pants and hoodies they used to wear all day, everyday. The food they drop on the floor now is a little better quality (as is the beer they spill). They also seem to be a little happier and lighter even though I don’t know how they could see me less and be happier at the same time. That’s just ludicrous. This graph proves how the Happiness to Ham ratio works.

X-axis is in minutes spent with Ham and y-axis is happy units

It’s a simple, but indisputable ratio. With this in mind, you should now understand my confusion about my parents’ emotions. They come home smiling without having seen me for hours. There has been some mention of them finding something called a “job”, but I know there’s something else going on. It has to be another dog. Mom always comes home smelling of other dogs and dad smells like hand sanitizer. From these observations I can conclude they are now leading another life with another dog who is very dirty and needs to be cleaned by my father with hand sanitizer. It’s the only thing that makes sense. We all know from the reports that Millennials can’t have jobs because being unemployed is an integral part of being a Millennial. I can’t complain too much though since I now get food from the purple bag. Purple bag!

-Ham alone