Oooooohhhhhh boy! Tis the season to be Folly beach bound. That’s a little tip o’ the hat to my hometown. Hey, human! Tip my hat for me, would you? These stinking paws make theatrical gestures such as tipping of the hat or well timed jazz hands a highly difficult maneuver. Onward!
It sure has been a summer to sit back, look at the open sky and ask the big questions. Why, just the other day I was standing in a beautiful pool of water when I looked down and asked the question, “Who am I?”. I stared off into the infinite reflection in the water and the answer appeared so clearly in the murkiness. Literally, it was there the whole time and I think my tranquility of mind allowed me to finally intercept the answer: A brown dog! Unbelievable, right?
In my gazing pool shortly after I realized who I am
You want big answers to big questions, but you find the truth to be more simple than expected. It’s tough to admit that life isn’t always as complicated as we like others to think. Sometimes, a dog is a jerk because his dad is a jerk and his dad’s dad was a jerk and that’s all there is to it. Other times, a dog is amazing and brown like me or my pal Veda. End of story. Does this mean that Mr. Hambone doesn’t get a little riled up and try to go for the jugular on a fellow canine when he happens to be playing with my ball in a way I disapprove? I’ll go for a jugular. Don’t play with my balls the wrong way. Bing bang boom. My heart is still full of love, but it also has rules. We may be getting sidetracked here and I do believe it is time to digress back to the big questions! Most people are constantly concerned with what other people are thinking. Following my simple answers hypothesis I will demonstrate how to decipher another’s thoughts with minimal effort. A series of photos will follow and under each will be my 100% accurate revelation of the thoughts behind the eyes of each subject.
Food. Where is food?
I swear it smelled like food.
Fast food!
See? Simple simple. You may say that I have no idea what I’m talking about because I’m a dog and my plane of thinking is below that of the average human. I blame Pavlov for making all of us look like fools. I mean, a bell rings and his dog starts drooling? What was that hound thinking that was so dang appetizing every time the bell rang? Honestly. Think on a higher level, friend! It’s not always about food and things that sound like food or smell like food or remind you of food just because the words sound similar. What was that!? I gotta go! I think I heard the door handle to the food closet jiggle which means I should be eating in 2.4 seconds if I can calm down enough to sit down and throw my paw out to shake! Wait, it was just Veda. She rolled into the door as she was sleeping. What was I saying? Who cares? I’m too hungry to continue and now I have all this saliva worked up. I guess I’ll go lick the couch for a while.
-HamBierka (Bierka being the name of one of Pavlov’s dogs)
My Life as a Ham 