A lot of peoples get angry this time of year. It could be from the lack of sun or the lack of warmth or the lack of Hambone being outside to cheer up the world or any number of other Northern Hemispherian problems. I can’t change how winter treats you and your city, but I can try to fill the Hambone shaped void in your life with a little bit of me and a touch of my perspective.
The cool fingers of winter have reached across this great land to leave trails of snow piled high and streets slick with sheets of icy ice while the hours of daylight have progressively diminished. This situation may seem depressing, strife ridden or even insurmountable, but not to the Hambone here. Winter knocks and I say, “Come on in! How have you been, Winter? It seems you’ve been gone for months. Will you be staying long this time? Did you bring anything for me? Who does your hair? Have you seen my new ball? How about my old ball? You smell like frozen fish sticks”. Winter only replies with soft coos of wind that whistle past my ear hairs, down my back and then sharply off the curl of my tail like Travis Pastrami on one of his dirt bike tricks. Mom loves Mr. Pastrami. I think he sounds delicious. What, Mom? Pastrana? That’s a silly last name. I would much rather be Ham Pastrami than Ham Pastrana. Maybe we can negotiate. Negotiation is one of my strong suits.
This is one of my winter suits
I negotiate with Winter all the time. Winter says, “Hey, I’m going to drop the temperature to about -3°” to which I reply, “Okay, but you better dump some of that white, cold stuff in which I can hide my ball or gallop through like a tiny Shetland pony.” It works in my favor most of the time. Even Veda gets excited about this kind of stuff as long as she can get geared up to brave the popsicle frigid temperatures.
You must match coat and shoes in the winter!
She’s a fashionable hound, isn’t she? Some would even call her bitching. I sure would! What, Mom? No, I didn’t swear. She hears everything! Ears like a bloodhound, I tell you.
Well, reread this post a few hundred times to cheer yourself out of that winter gloom. Consider starting a fire and drinking some of that strange smelling brown liquid that Dad seems to enjoy even though the smell makes my nose feel all tingly. No fireplace? Light a candle, cozy up next to the oven, burn some pictures of your ex-lover or pictures of your fat self or pictures of your skinny self even though I think every you is the best you and I do love you so much! Bundle up, eskamigos!
-Winter’s Hambone starring Jennifer Lawrence
My Life as a Ham 