Category Archives: Nothing

Mar 18 2015
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Fiction Can Be Fun

I have  a lot of free time. Don’t act too surprised. It’s not that I don’t feel busy with all of my ball searching, blanket hiding, napping, Veda badgering, blogging, eating, and what not. And what not. I do feel busy. I feel useful. When I look around at my other canine pals I don’t see any of them using this interweb to project joy into the world. My friends mostly discuss the meaning of life and then fall asleep. At least I stay involved with the public. Nonetheless, there are still times when I find myself sitting in the same spot of sunshine with my eyes half closed and thinking whether or not I am a productive being.

Am I a productive being?

Am I a productive being?

Yup. I most certainly am a productive being! That doesn’t mean I can’t indulge in seemingly wasteful activities such as watching television or various films. As a matter of fact, I use those activities to convince my furless, two-legged friends to play into fiction based fun. There was this time in the picture below when Dad was farting out of the window and I convinced him to reenact a scene from the always amazing Lion King instead.

Puppy belly!

Puppy belly!

I was so high up! I could see the Elephant Graveyard from up there (the Elephant Graveyard was just the bathroom, but it was definitely a place where I didn’t want to go). We’ve enacted other movie scenes too. I once played Dan Marino in the Ace Ventura movie and Dad was Ray Finkle…we broke a window doing that one. In my defense, the ball I was holding had the laces out despite whatever Dad says! Veda joined in on that reenactment too, she played Ace Ventura when he visited the mental health institution. A rather convincing role reenactment, Ms. Potato!

Halftime!

Halftime!

We certainly do have an extraordinary time here at the Johnkinson household! I’m not going to blather on about the fun we have when you could be out there making up your own worlds and costumes. Perhaps I will leave you with one of my gender bending interpretations because we don’t care about gender roles in this house (I’ve seen dad knit a scarf and mom build a table from wood scraps). Here’s my last picture from this photo-filled blog entry.

IMG_0289

Tangled!

Now, go out there and be the best you or the best pretend someone else!

-Hamba

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Feb 25 2015
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Nothing

The World Anew

A lot of peoples get angry this time of year. It could be from the lack of sun or the lack of warmth or the lack of Hambone being outside to cheer up the world or any number of other Northern Hemispherian problems. I can’t change how winter treats you and your city, but I can try to fill the Hambone shaped void in your life with a little bit of me and a touch of my perspective.

The cool fingers of winter have reached across this great land to leave trails of snow piled high and streets slick with sheets of icy ice while the hours of daylight have progressively diminished. This situation may seem depressing, strife ridden or even insurmountable, but not to the Hambone here. Winter knocks and I say, “Come on in! How have you been, Winter? It seems you’ve been gone for months. Will you be staying long this time? Did you bring anything for me? Who does your hair? Have you seen my new ball? How about my old ball? You smell like frozen fish sticks”. Winter only replies with soft coos of wind that whistle past my ear hairs, down my back and then sharply off the curl of my tail like Travis Pastrami on one of his dirt bike tricks. Mom loves Mr. Pastrami. I think he sounds delicious. What, Mom? Pastrana? That’s a silly last name. I would much rather be Ham Pastrami than Ham Pastrana. Maybe we can negotiate. Negotiation is one of my strong suits.

This is one of my winter suits

This is one of my winter suits

I negotiate with Winter all the time. Winter says, “Hey, I’m going to drop the temperature to about -3°” to which I reply, “Okay, but you better dump some of that white, cold stuff in which I can hide my ball or gallop through like a tiny Shetland pony.” It works in my favor most of the time. Even Veda gets excited about this kind of stuff as long as she can get geared up to brave the popsicle frigid temperatures.

You must match coat and shoes in the winter!

You must match coat and shoes in the winter!

She’s a fashionable hound, isn’t she? Some would even call her bitching. I sure would! What, Mom? No, I didn’t swear. She hears everything! Ears like a bloodhound, I tell you.

Well, reread this post a few hundred times to cheer yourself out of that winter gloom. Consider starting a fire and drinking some of that strange smelling brown liquid that Dad seems to enjoy even though the smell makes my nose feel all tingly. No fireplace? Light a candle, cozy up next to the oven, burn some pictures of your ex-lover or pictures of your fat self or pictures of your skinny self even though I think every you is the best you and I do love you so much! Bundle up, eskamigos!

-Winter’s Hambone starring Jennifer Lawrence

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Jun 01 2014
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Nothing

I missed you

Where have I been? Where haven’t I been? A few wild weeks have passed since my last blog post and I’m sure there has been some speculation circulating through the national news media about my whereabouts. I’d expect as much since I am the Ham, but my answer to the often asked and yet to be answered question is simple. I’ve been everywhere! Inside, outside, in the bathtub, in a kiddy pool, in the biggest pool in the world people keep calling Lake Michigan, on the deck, in the car, out of the car, on my bed, on my parents’ bed, and even in my neighbor’s house! Don’t envy me though. This life is exhausting and has taken quite the toll on my bum knee. It gets the aches at the end of the day, but I’m positively absolutely sure that the pain is worth it. Ah, life! The wrenches that it throws at you and the dodging you must accomplish to get from day to day is extraordinary. I wish it would throw a cooked turkey at me instead. I can always handle turkey.

How rude of me to ignore you for this long! You were probably doing amazing stuff too because you’re such a good person and good people do good things for other people who are good and not good. It’s the most endearing quality about you unless you consider your ability to hand me scraps of table food a quality. Anywho, I’ve missed the bunches out of you and I wish you could see me now, but instead look at Veda. Thems eyes are crazy!

She has the crazy eyes

She has the crazy eyes

You’ve got love her. I sure do. This blog post could have contained more content, but it’s summer and who cares about content when the sun is out and I’m out and you’re out and there’s grass to be eaten! Let’s eat some grass!!!!!

-Hamower

Apr 13 2014
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Nothing

And Then There Were None

It started out great. We had a routine. I knew exactly what to expect and I loved it. And then winter ended. The things I could count on over the winter were the endless below freezing temps, Wayne Brady on Let’s Make a Deal, and my mom and dad always being home. Sure, my parents would leave the house here and there to pick me up some more food or to do who knows what else outside these walls, but they always came back home in a couple of hours. Spring finally showed up and now they leave all day. Sometimes my mom comes home for lunch, but it’s not a constant. It’s no where near as reliable as Wayne Brady. He is always there to make a deal. The weather is nicer and I should know because I spend most of the day staring out the window trying to see my parents or the odd squirrel.

They'll be home anytime now...anytime...

They’ll be home anytime now…anytime…

I put the camera on a timer to take that jewel of a photo. Do you know how hard it is to set the timer on a camera without opposable thumbs? Me neither! That picture was a total setup because I’m a dog and I have no idea how to use a camera, fool! As I was saying before, Veda and I have rediscovered certain joys since we’ve been left home alone so frequently now. The king of the couch game, the let’s share the couch game, the let’s lick the couch game, the lose the ball under the couch game, and Texas Hold ’em. Basically, there are a lot of hours in the day and many games with which to fill those hours. It helps to be creative and it also helps to have a couch. The fun we’re having doesn’t make up for my parents being gone, but I guess I’ve noticed other changes in my parents that have been beneficial. They finally took off those smelly sweat pants and hoodies they used to wear all day, everyday. The food they drop on the floor now is a little better quality (as is the beer they spill). They also seem to be a little happier and lighter even though I don’t know how they could see me less and be happier at the same time. That’s just ludicrous. This graph proves how the Happiness to Ham ratio works.

X-axis is in minutes and y-axis is happy units

X-axis is in minutes spent with Ham and y-axis is happy units

It’s a simple, but indisputable ratio. With this in mind, you should now understand my confusion about my parents’ emotions. They come home smiling without having seen me for hours. There has been some mention of them finding something called a “job”, but I know there’s something else going on. It has to be another dog. Mom always comes home smelling of other dogs and dad smells like hand sanitizer. From these observations I can conclude they are now leading another life with another dog who is very dirty and needs to be cleaned by my father with hand sanitizer. It’s the only thing that makes sense. We all know from the reports that Millennials can’t have jobs because being unemployed is an integral part of being a Millennial. I can’t complain too much though since I now get food from the purple bag. Purple bag!

-Ham alone

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