Winter | My Life as a Ham

Feb 25 2015

Nothing

The World Anew

A lot of peoples get angry this time of year. It could be from the lack of sun or the lack of warmth or the lack of Hambone being outside to cheer up the world or any number of other Northern Hemispherian problems. I can’t change how winter treats you and your city, but I can try to fill the Hambone shaped void in your life with a little bit of me and a touch of my perspective.

The cool fingers of winter have reached across this great land to leave trails of snow piled high and streets slick with sheets of icy ice while the hours of daylight have progressively diminished. This situation may seem depressing, strife ridden or even insurmountable, but not to the Hambone here. Winter knocks and I say, “Come on in! How have you been, Winter? It seems you’ve been gone for months. Will you be staying long this time? Did you bring anything for me? Who does your hair? Have you seen my new ball? How about my old ball? You smell like frozen fish sticks”. Winter only replies with soft coos of wind that whistle past my ear hairs, down my back and then sharply off the curl of my tail like Travis Pastrami on one of his dirt bike tricks. Mom loves Mr. Pastrami. I think he sounds delicious. What, Mom? Pastrana? That’s a silly last name. I would much rather be Ham Pastrami than Ham Pastrana. Maybe we can negotiate. Negotiation is one of my strong suits.

This is one of my winter suits

I negotiate with Winter all the time. Winter says, “Hey, I’m going to drop the temperature to about -3°” to which I reply, “Okay, but you better dump some of that white, cold stuff in which I can hide my ball or gallop through like a tiny Shetland pony.” It works in my favor most of the time. Even Veda gets excited about this kind of stuff as long as she can get geared up to brave the popsicle frigid temperatures.

You must match coat and shoes in the winter!

She’s a fashionable hound, isn’t she? Some would even call her bitching. I sure would! What, Mom? No, I didn’t swear. She hears everything! Ears like a bloodhound, I tell you.

Well, reread this post a few hundred times to cheer yourself out of that winter gloom. Consider starting a fire and drinking some of that strange smelling brown liquid that Dad seems to enjoy even though the smell makes my nose feel all tingly. No fireplace? Light a candle, cozy up next to the oven, burn some pictures of your ex-lover or pictures of your fat self or pictures of your skinny self even though I think every you is the best you and I do love you so much! Bundle up, eskamigos!

-Winter’s Hambone starring Jennifer Lawrence

Tagged Happy thoughts, Travis Pastrana, Winter

Sep 22 2014

1 Comment

Favorite things

Summer, summer, where have you gone?

Has a whole month already passed since my last post? Wow. I must’ve been busy or sleeping or busy sleeping. Of course, I may have also been sidetracked by a few visitors from out of town, some urge to cherish these final days of summer, or the treasure trove of tennis balls that was bequeathed unto me. I guess it doesn’t matter what I’ve been doing, it only matters that I’m back. And boy am I back! What do you want to learn about this week? My thoughts on loud sounds? Why I think crunchy peanut butter is superior to creamy? What I think is behind the front door when I can’t see it? Rain? Flies? Popcorn? That clicky noise I hear after I get a treat? Perhaps you would just enjoy reading my rambling thoughts all in succession. Punctuation? I use it more often than most people. Alright, I’ll narrow your options down to one. We’ll discuss my favorite places to stand or lay down.

1. My favorite place to stand

A pool

It’s beautiful, right!? A pool is a great place to stand alone or with a friend. It makes a great place to put a ball, a rock, a bone, a Hambone or anything you can think of. A sandwich? Sure, throw it right in and I’ll find a good place for it.

2. My favorite place to lay down

The human bed

Move over, humans! It’s 1PM which means it’s Ham’s sleepy time. And again at 3, 4, 10, 8, 9:30, and after the Ellen show. It’s important to keep a strict, rigorous schedule. Miss a nap, make a mistake. At least, that’s what I tell my bosses down at the factory. We’re unionized, so they can’t fire me without going through quite an ordeal anyway.

Here were some close runner ups that are definitely worth mentioning: the floor, a sunny spot, the couch, Mom, by the window, and the car. All this thinking has left me parched and exhausted. Keep your tuners tuned into the Hambotato Blog page of whimsy and fun for future posts especially as the ghastly winter approaches. I’ll do my best to churn out epic stories and opinion pages.

-Ernest Hamingway

Tagged Ernest Hamingway, naps, Winter

Apr 13 2014

And Then There Were None

It started out great. We had a routine. I knew exactly what to expect and I loved it. And then winter ended. The things I could count on over the winter were the endless below freezing temps, Wayne Brady on Let’s Make a Deal, and my mom and dad always being home. Sure, my parents would leave the house here and there to pick me up some more food or to do who knows what else outside these walls, but they always came back home in a couple of hours. Spring finally showed up and now they leave all day. Sometimes my mom comes home for lunch, but it’s not a constant. It’s no where near as reliable as Wayne Brady. He is always there to make a deal. The weather is nicer and I should know because I spend most of the day staring out the window trying to see my parents or the odd squirrel.

They’ll be home anytime now…anytime…

I put the camera on a timer to take that jewel of a photo. Do you know how hard it is to set the timer on a camera without opposable thumbs? Me neither! That picture was a total setup because I’m a dog and I have no idea how to use a camera, fool! As I was saying before, Veda and I have rediscovered certain joys since we’ve been left home alone so frequently now. The king of the couch game, the let’s share the couch game, the let’s lick the couch game, the lose the ball under the couch game, and Texas Hold ’em. Basically, there are a lot of hours in the day and many games with which to fill those hours. It helps to be creative and it also helps to have a couch. The fun we’re having doesn’t make up for my parents being gone, but I guess I’ve noticed other changes in my parents that have been beneficial. They finally took off those smelly sweat pants and hoodies they used to wear all day, everyday. The food they drop on the floor now is a little better quality (as is the beer they spill). They also seem to be a little happier and lighter even though I don’t know how they could see me less and be happier at the same time. That’s just ludicrous. This graph proves how the Happiness to Ham ratio works.

X-axis is in minutes and y-axis is happy units

X-axis is in minutes spent with Ham and y-axis is happy units

It’s a simple, but indisputable ratio. With this in mind, you should now understand my confusion about my parents’ emotions. They come home smiling without having seen me for hours. There has been some mention of them finding something called a “job”, but I know there’s something else going on. It has to be another dog. Mom always comes home smelling of other dogs and dad smells like hand sanitizer. From these observations I can conclude they are now leading another life with another dog who is very dirty and needs to be cleaned by my father with hand sanitizer. It’s the only thing that makes sense. We all know from the reports that Millennials can’t have jobs because being unemployed is an integral part of being a Millennial. I can’t complain too much though since I now get food from the purple bag. Purple bag!

-Ham alone

Tagged Jobs, Winter

Mar 12 2014

My Understanding of What I Understand

Ho hey! I’m not one to comment on current events because more important topics such as balls and myself take precedent, but it’s hard to avoid the ever presence of the frozen tundra which now surrounds me. It appears that my wonderful parents, my buddy Veda, and I have moved cities recently, but it is a little hard for me to tell the difference. We still live upstairs, we still have a deck, we still have a yard, there’s still a large body of water down the road, the only hills around here still are bridges, and we live next to a road which transports things at which I can bark. Maybe the trees look a little different, but by all means it is tough for me to identify anything substantial to support that we actually “moved”…except this one thing. Snow. Oh my, so so much snow.

80 inches of snow? Bring it.

It’s white, flaky, and pristine as it piles and piles up everywhere. Prime frolicking material, you know? And bonus bonanza: The stuff freezes into solid blocks perfect for chewing or throwing or batting around the skating rink that was our yard. It all seems like a great addition to what was my world of palm fronded trees, salty water, and warm weather, but there’s a more fiendish side to this snow stuff. It freezes the pickles out of my paws! The squishing of snow under my paws sounds like styrofoam being rubbed together and it feels great when it slushes between my toes until I can’t feel the slushing anymore. The feeling fades into a numb, stabbing pain, so I lift my paws up and put on this sad face in hopes someone will pick me up like the delicate little tortilla that I am. It worked at first! Now I have to rough it and walk up the stairs under my own will power. You should have seen the shoes I tried on as a fix for the freezing. They helped my paws, but hurt my ego. Not being able to feel the ground drives me nuts and it makes me do embarrassing things with my legs. I can’t explain that part. Honestly, throw on the coat my mom made me, take me for a walk, feed me, and give me a pat on the head and I’m happy anywhere. This new place has not only grown on me, I’d say the difference between here and old home is only a matter of degrees. Zing!

-Ham out