My Life as a Ham

Paws down, this will be the longest, hardest, most interestingest, truest, and overall Hammiest blog post I’ve ever done. I need to start by letting you know that my ability to even write this blog post is incredibly amazing since I’m now in The Better Place. My little paws can reach across space and time to access the internet and trumpet my eternal message of LOVE EVERYTHING! I think it may be best to start with what happened one week ago today……….

It was the day when bowls of candy are left about and little humans knock on my door for me to bark at all through the evening. It was going swimmingly well even past sundown. I stood on my balcony to bask in the praise of walkers-by and to greet them with a hardy “harrrggggmmmmmfffff, arrrrfff!” My spoken english was very poor, but the general idea was “Hello! You can see me! I’m great! Look at you! You’re great too! Why don’t you pat me on my head!?” Anyway, it was going well. Then, all of a sudden I had a most awful feeling in my belly, but what’s new? I’m Ham. I have awful belly feelings all the time due to my sensitivities to nearly everything, but it was different this time. Oh man, I felt weak. Weaker than that time I partied all night with my grandparents and couldn’t even make it back to the house. Gravity pulled me to the floor and then I felt like it pulled me through the floor. Mom and Dad looked at me with a look I’ve never seen before and then we were out the door, into the car, and on the way to the hospital faster than Veda can finish her bowl of food. Dad sat in the back of the car with me and Mom drove our Equinox turned race car to the closest vet. You know I love swimming, but my head was all swimmy and my legs were like jell-o and my belly was burning. Not a good swimming reference, but I usually relate everything in life to swimming and this moment is no different. Dad carried me into the hospital and things started moving fast. Really fast. They shaved my arm, poked me a couple times, pushed on my belly and did a few more things that I can’t quite remember since I was just so tired and my memories of this part are foggy. This is what I do remember. Mom and Dad brought me into a room and held my paws and patted my head and all my favorite things. They cuddled me and said really nice things even though I didn’t even do anything great like bring them a ball or let them throw a ball for me or let them hide the ball for me. It was incredible. I felt warm and tired and loved and not hungry. Weird, right? Not hungry!? There were whispers of words I still find hard to comprehend since I’m no college educated hound, but maybe you can make sense of things like “bleeding splenic mass”, “possibly aggressive”, “hypotensive”, “good damn dog”. Ok, that last one was obvious. I’m a good damn dog! At this point, Mom and Dad’s faces were covered in snot, slobber and tears and then the fire in belly became an inferno like in that movie Backdraft starring Billy Baldwin. Check that door for heat, Tim! It’s hard to talk about this part because Mom and Dad looked awful, I felt awful, and I pooped myself a little (I did, it’s true). A nice gentleman came in, gave me some warm, burning stuff through the IV and I finally fell asleep being held by Mom and Dad. I’m sure you’re all wondering what happens next? Actually, you probably aren’t wondering because you got about 30 emails after Dad sent out an email about my death. It’s ok, Mom. It’s all part of this agreement we make with each other when we choose to love one another. So, end of story. Haha! No way, José (thanks again for fixing my legs). Time for the afterlife! Don’t be sad or scared though, just remember what Karl Malone says. Here’s what I’ve done since that most terribly awful sad night.

I woke up! My legs didn’t hurt, my stomach didn’t hurt, and everything I’ve ever done lay before me. Time travel? Yeah, I’ve relived all of those days on the porch, in the pool, in the bed, under the bed, in the bath with the cup, in the bed, in the pool, on a boat, all of it! I even got to see some old pals like Tucker and Tiny who I haven’t seen in years. Finally, I got these wing things. Seriously, wings! I played the greatest game of fetch ever! There was a whole crowd of people playing fetch. I caught one ball and was going to bring it back to the guy, but then I accidentally dropped it over the fence. It didn’t matter! People loved it! They all cheered  “Go, Pup, Goooooooooo!!!”. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what they cheered. It was loud and I was busy waiting for next ball.

It’s a Ham Run!

Photographs aren’t perfect in the afterlife, so please accept the above rendition of the game of fetch drawn with crayons (Not “crowns”. Cray-ons). That Ross guy is a lot like me. We both love balls. We both have brindle beards. We both ended an astounding career last week. We both like tacos. We both look dazzling in blue. It’s endless. What else did I do? Well, I swam in every pool (EVERY pool), I met the President (Lincoln, of course), I ran everywhere even though I have wings, and then I took a nap in the sun on the deck at my grandparent’s house. Luckily, I’m home now. I see Mom and Dad everyday. I see Ms. Potato Head and let her know it’s ok to chew my toys. I’m in The Better Place and can go anywhere, so why home? Because it’s The Bestest Place. Thanks to everyone for showing so much love to a goofy, brown dog from a small town in South Carolina. If you ever are sitting around and have a feeling that a ball is being shoved in your face or that you are getting licked across your face then it just might be my little spirit saying “Today is the best day ever and you are my favorite person”.